Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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