My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
