You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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