were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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