I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
