I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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