Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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