her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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