Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
