so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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