Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I want you more than these girls want KFC
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize