addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize