Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
