I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
