I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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