Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
