apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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