Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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