I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
