I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I looked at my own cervix.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
