checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
