Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
