you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
