You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
