You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
