Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize