is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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