you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
