I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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