Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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