she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
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