I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
