Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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