so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
