I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
