If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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