woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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