Cold hands, warm shart.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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