I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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