Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
