my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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