Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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