Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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