I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
