I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
