well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
