Your face is a jimmy john
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
