i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
