omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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