Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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