She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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