You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
