Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
