a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
