so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
