Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
