you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
