Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
