Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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