Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Randomize
