Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
