We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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