dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize