Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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