I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
