I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize