Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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