I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
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