my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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