I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
