I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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